Monday, October 23, 2006

The Party of Abe

Shamelessly stolen in all it's truth from MandT at Adgitadiaries.

The Republican Party is the party of Honest Abe----Lincoln that is. We believe in three principles which are the core of conservative politics:

1.) Republicans support the protection of individual liberty and the Constitution. Based on Lincoln's opposition to slavery, we continue to work for the equal opportunity and rights of all citizen's except for gays, non-Christian's, uppity women, MSNBC, and people who might be terrorists. We are opposed to slavery, except for those countries who have oil and make cheap shit for Wal-Mart.

We believe in individual liberty and that's why we have changed the Constitution and did away with Habeaus Corpus (the right to a trial) because it has been a pain in the ass for nearly two hundred years. We know who are terrorists and they don't deserve rights. Besides, they are probably abortionists and Democrats.

We work for the equality of all citizens, and that's why we did away with equal opportunity laws. Why, Clarence Thomas, Condi Rice, and Alberto Gonzales are perfect examples of Republican opportunity.

We work for the opportunity of all citizens by exporting blue collar and middle class jobs overseas, importing cheap professionals on work visas so hospitals can make profits, except they are not and that's Hillary Clinton's fault.

We want freedom for all the world, as long as we get their natural resources, convert heathen Islamo-fascists to reasonable dominion and force them to live , well, like Christians. As old Abe said: "Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and under a just God, can not long retain it." (1859) Just ask Cheney---so there!

2.) Republicans support a strong United States. That's why we are losing the war in Iraq at a cost of a billion dollars a month, over 600,000 dead civilians, nearly 3000 American casualities, 50,000 wounded, and a brand new terrorist insurgency. But that's all temporary because Rummy says it will improve and President Bush doesn't smirk when he says Sadam did it and it's Clinton's fault.

We support the promotion of economic development. Why just look at the billions in profits made by the energy companies thanks to us, not to mention the thriving recovery of New Orleans. What's in your wallet? By ending the vitality of American manufacturing, we are ensuring that your children and grandchildren can get an equal opportunity job at Wal-Mart and MacDonalds.

Republicans are leading the war on terrorism at home and broad. You can just tell by the heightened alerts at election time, and by the fact that we have created tens of thousands of new terrorists in the Middle East so that we can fight them forever with your tax dollars and the lives of your disadvantaged children. We are saving a fortune by cutting benefits to our brave soldiers and their credit challenged families. Your kids will have as much opportunity to die as the rich kids have of going to good colleges and running the next government of Republicans. Is that American or what?

We also encourage policies that unite us as Americans rather than divide us along racial, ethnic or other lines. (Just kidding!)

We continue to pursue terrorists everywhere: The Internet, the world, outerspace, and your backyard. We have joined a coalition of nations such as Albania to rid the world of Islamo-fascists. We will not allow any terrorist or tyrant to threaten civilization, hate our freedoms, and will bomb the hell out of them with small atomic weapons (except for North Korea) if we feel like it.

3.) Republicans believe in a limited government grounded in Constitutional principles that support big business. That's why we have the largest government bureaucracy in history, are changing the inconvenient parts of the Constitution, creating an executive branch more powerful than Congress, support NAFTA and CAFTA to circumvent Supreme Court decisions against enviornmental disasters, support such principles as torture, and condone higher levels of mercury in our water supplies to get things moving along.

As Ronald Reagan tried to remember in 1988:

"We who live in free market socities believe that growth, prosperity and ultimately human fulfillment, are created from the bottom up, not the government down" . That's why we have exported all our manufacturing to southeast Asia and India, so that those countries can be like America.

"Only when the human spirit is allowed to invent and create----can societies remain economically alive, dynamic, progressive, and free." That's why we have one of the worst educational systems in the world, believe in Christian faith based science, believe that life begins with lust in our hearts, and therefore abortion is Jimmy Carter's fault and he's a Democrat.

"Trust the people." Particularly trust the people if they are base and born again. Rove the afterbirth demographics. Nancy Reagan told Ronnie that he wrote the above in 1988, but he forgot.

We, the GOP, must ensure that the ideas and character of all legitimate candidates must be heard. The Reverend Dobson says "No bastards allowed." (Just kidding!) We need to level the playing field so that only the very rich can run for office and pass laws to discriminate against the stupid poor who are obviously lacking in moral character or God would have made them rich Republicans.

We are the party of fiscal responsibility. We tax the poor and middle class and have amassed a huge trade deficit, hocked our assets to Saudia Arabia and China, and established a 9 trillion dollar federal debt. We blame it on the Mexicans, except for those who work cheap for friendly corporations. To solve the financial drain of illegal immigrants on local and state budgets, we propose to eliminate social services and social security. That'll teach em!

We are the conservative party and we ask for your votes to conserve what is absolutely the worst tendancies of human nature: hypocrisy, envy, betrayal, greed, perversion, fraud, theft, injustice, war, pillage, intolerance, and subugation. We know, because we are the Republican Party. We know the enemy and it is 'us.' Check . Keep close the enemy you know, rather than the one you don't. Right?

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