Strictly Speaking

I was cleaning out some books and came across a book by Edwin Newman, Strictly Speaking. Edwin was an inveterate punster and there was one chapter in the book where he let it all go. I still remember some of the puns to this day and I think I first read the book sometime in 1975 or so. It was fun reading it again and I thought I might share some of it with you (especially Steve Bates at YDD who has been known to pun a bit himself!). Here goes:

"Where have you been?" she asked.
Out walking the dog," he said. "Looking for the old familiar feces."
"Your shoes are wet," she observed.
"Naturally," he said. "Nobody knows the puddles I've seen. That is why I am standing on these newspapers. These are the Times that dry men's soles." He took off his jacket and tossed it aside. "this," he said, "is so sodden."
"I'll never forget the time they brought you in frozen stiff," she said. "I was afraid you would never come out of it."
He shrugged, "I thawed, therefore I am."
"I believe that dog has distemper or worms or something," she said.
"Maybe so," he replied, "but his bark is worse than his blight. By the way, I'm thinking of giving him to the Longshoremen's Union as a mascot."
"What kind of dog do they want?"
"A dockshund."
"I'm lonely," she said, and pointed to a button she was wearing that bore the words "Kiss me I'm Irish."
"I'm hungry," he said. "Quiche me. I'm French."
She gave him instead a pastry consisting of thin layers of puff pastry interlaid with a cream filling. He cut off a corner and ate it.
"Very good," he said. "Also the first square millefeuille I've had all day."
"Your French is getting better," she said. " I can remember when you thought the French for throw out the trash was cul-de-sac."
"O solecism mio," he said. "And I remember when you though a porte-cochere was the entrance to a Jewish restaurant."
There was a moments pause. Then:
"I had an apprentice French hairdresser once," she said.
"What did he have to say for himself?"
"Je ne sais coif."
"Having a man around the house does make a vas deferens," she continued.
"And having a woman, too," he said gallantly. "You're a wonderful housekeeper. You keep everything polished."
"Maybe so," she said, "but I wish I could chamois like my sister Kate. I meant to ask you, did you watch the space shot at the office?"
"No," he replied. "To me the space program is mere schirrade. I decided to go to a movie instead, the one in which Montgomery Clift plays the founder of psychoanalysis."
"What was his name again?"
"Pretty Boy Freud."
"I notice that in the early days of photography he had his picture taken with his coat on an looking furtive. Any idea why?"
"He must have been a cloak and daguerrotype."
"Se changed the subject. "I am glad we are out of Viet Nam."
"So am I. It was time to let Saigon be Saigon's."
"What do you make of the situation between the Russians and Chinese?" she asked.
"Dogma eat dogma."
"You said a Moathful."

That's enough. There is a lot more but you can get the flavor. You can sometimes find two of Edwin's books together in one paperback. Both "Strictly Speaking" and "A Civil Tongue" and both are interesting tomes on the use of language.
BTW the section above came from the chapter "The Vicious Cycle of Reality"

One more thing for you to ponder. What do you call a Chinese meal in Alaska?

Lo Mein on a totem pole! Pah dum pump!